he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
