dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
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