is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
high people should be assigned attendants
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
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