I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
