I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
