YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Sorry about my life...
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
