Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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