I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
