I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
