Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
