I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
