Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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