if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
