elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
