if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Randomize
