You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
