When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
