my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
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