I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize