I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
