If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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