Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
I see more hoeing in ur future
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