woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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