one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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