Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
