ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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