After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
