4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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