life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
the condom got lost in my hair
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
