In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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