a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
