Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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