I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
