My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
