I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
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