The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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