her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Randomize
