Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
