I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
If that was your dad, he is hot
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
