so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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