just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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