Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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