Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Randomize
