I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Randomize
