I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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