I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
