Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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