the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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