Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
The best revenge is premature balding
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
