Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Randomize
