Four minutes until I can fart!
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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