dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Randomize
