I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Naked Twister starts at high noon
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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