I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
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