i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Randomize
