i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
