i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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