your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
