This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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